Yesterday, I was waiting for an auto ride to Lalbagh Metro in Bangalore. It was only 1 km away, but I was too tired to walk after a hectic shopping for my upcoming trip. An auto driver pulled by and he quoted ₹100 for a 1km ride, which actually should be ₹30. I was in no mood to bargain, So I just said “let’s go”. He was so happy and probably obliged to return the favor he said, “Sir, you look like Aamir Khan”. Whether that is true or not is a discussion for another time ;) but what he said put a smile on my face. As I got into the autorickshaw, I tapped my wife with my shoulders and said “hear that?” and she laughed too. And I’m not denying that I looked in the mirror as soon as I reached home, curious to see if I did, in fact, looked like Aamir Khan. 😁
Of course, I knew it was just a white lie to flatter me. But still it made me feel good. A part of me, however small, might have believed it too. And that got me thinking about self-deception, a topic I have been pondering in my mind for the past few days. We, as a species, have evolved to deceive ourselves and believe a few white lies. These comforting white lies often come with certain advantages like a boost in confidence or a reduction of stress or even more basic things like survival. When we start to look at the world for what it truly is, without any filters, we often end up feeling down. Harold Sackeim, one of the first psychologists to experimentally study self-deception, explained in a podcast (Radiolab):
SACKEIM: [Depressed people] see all the pain in the world, how horrible people are with each other, and they tell you everything about themselves: what their weaknesses are, what terrible things they’ve done to other people. And the problem is they’re right. And so maybe the way we help people is to help them be wrong.
ROBERT KRULWICH [Radiolab host]: It might just be that hiding ideas that we know to be true, hiding those ideas from ourselves, is what we need to get by.
SACKEIM: We’re so vulnerable to being hurt that we’re given the capacity to distort as a gift.
So it seems, self-deception might be the price we pay for a more enjoyable life. Unless you are a monk who strives for and accepts the absolute reality for what it is, the next best thing is to believe a few comforting lies. Now you might be thinking, “I don’t deceive myself”, But before you dismiss the idea entirely, consider this: Kids often lie that they have to pee, even when they don’t, just so that they can delay bedtime a little longer. They might not be consciously lying, but just that their little self-developing brains just found a way to stay a little more longer out of bed. I have seen similar behaviors in my own kid as well when I put him in cradle and he doesn’t want to sleep. Parents might tell themselves they are putting kids to bed on time so that kids form a good habit, while the truth might be that they just need some free time from the kids, a harmless self-deception. Or maybe you keep telling yourself that you’re “fine” in a relationship that’s clearly going nowhere, just to avoid the pain of a breakup. The tendency to avoid uncomfortable truths is well-documented in studies too. For instance, studies have shown that smokers are less likely to hear about the harmful effects of smoking.
A life focused on absolute truth might not be the path to take if you want to have a enjoyable life. If you are obsessed with truth, by all means, pursue that path. But a fair warning: It can be a depressing journey. And yet there is some unexplainable satisfaction for those who pursue it. It is a bit like the experience of raising children. It is really hard, exhausting and frustrating to raise a kid, yet it is also filled with love, joy and fulfillment.
So my point is, believing a few “good lies” is good, for most people. If we, as a species, have evolved to deceive ourselves, then it is likely that it is an essential survival mechanism and pretty important one. Maybe a little bit of self-deception is the secret ingredient to a happier, more fulfilling life. I’m not asking you to go live in a fantasy world, but find a balance between the harsh reality and your own well-being. So, the next time you catch yourself in a little white lie, don’t be too hard on yourself. It might just be your brain’s way of keeping you sane in a world that’s not always sunshine and roses.
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